January 18 - January 19, 2025
Boundaries, Harmonium, and the Mystery Shiva
The past couple of days have been a mix of highs, lows, and lessons — moments of creative inspiration, challenging emotions, and deep reflections on boundaries, connection, and self-worth.
Saturday: Music as Medicine
I’ve been struggling to feel like myself lately, especially after my medical episode. Morning yoga and satsangs have been replaced with sleeping in, and while part of me feels guilty, another part knows that this retreat is about honoring what my body and soul need.
Yesterday, I barely managed to get out of bed, spending most of the day in my Trevor Hall pajama shirt and a Yankees cap. But inspiration struck in the form of a harmonium mash-up — a blend of Pacific Coast Highway by Trevor Hall, Hip Abduction, and Radhe Govinda.
(Click picture for video!)
It’s one of my gifts, creating these unexpected medleys that merge devotional music with modern sounds. Music has always been medicine for me, and this composition felt like a way to channel my energy into something creative and healing.
However, the harmonium classes haven’t felt as uplifting. The lack of structure is frustrating — it feels like we’re being shown something complicated a few times and then left to figure it out on our own. For $1,800 per course, plus additional costs for instruments, I expected more organization. But I remind myself that this journey isn’t just about the classes; it’s about the lessons I’m learning off the mat and outside the music room.
Meals have been another challenge. The unpredictability of dining hall conversations and the way people clique off has pushed me to retreat to my room to eat in solitude. While I’ve connected deeply with a few people here, I’ve realized that I don’t need to connect with everyone — those few meaningful relationships are enough.
Poppi and Perspective
In the afternoon, I set out to solve the ongoing issue of shipping my drum home. Despite weeks of asking for help, I’ve gotten nowhere. Frustrated, I walked to the front of the property, where I ran into Poppi, a radiant soul with a bright, beautiful presence.
She joined me, and we caught up on life, seva (service), and the reality of her accommodations. Her dormitory, shared with four others, is surrounded by heaps of trash and feels worlds apart from the back of the property where I’m staying.
It was a stark reminder of privilege and perspective. Poppi spoke about her seva work — caring for the property and serving food to hundreds of community members on Sundays. Her service is inspiring, and our conversation reminded me of the importance of humility and gratitude.
That evening, we attended kirtan with Gaura Vani’s group. His musicianship and energy were breathtaking — he’s a legend in East Coast bhakti communities, and his presence commands the room. But by the end of the night, I was exhausted. I dipped out early, showered, and grabbed some vegetables and papaya to bring back to my room, ready to wind down for an early night.
Or so I thought.
A Divine Encounter: The Mystery Shiva
As I walked outside in my pajamas to throw away my dinner garbage, I ran into the Mystery Shiva — the one who’s been sending me songs at 5 a.m about "lonely ngihts". He was wandering around the property barefoot, and our meeting felt like something out of a movie.
We shared a long hug, and he came up to my room for the gummies I had promised him. What began as a casual exchange turned into something much deeper. We talked, listened to the songs we’ve been sending each other, and he even gave me a Thai massage for my carpal tunnel. Sitting up turned into laying down, which turned into hours of intimate connection.
Without going into too much detail, the moment felt beautiful — until it didn’t. By the time he left, it was after midnight, and I was left feeling unsettled. The experience brought up a lot about my boundaries, my patterns in relationships, and my tendency to sacrifice my comfort for someone else’s. He texted me when he got back to his room, but I ignored it. I couldn’t bring myself to engage further.
Sunday: Reflection and Release
I woke up late with a lingering migraine, barely making it to harmonium class. The weight of the previous night still hung heavy, and I struggled through my performance, which felt forced and unnatural.
The rest of the day was spent in quiet reflection. I journaled, trying to untangle the emotions that surfaced. How much of what I was feeling was rooted in my past relationships, and how much was tied to the Mystery Shiva? I realized that this wasn’t just about him; it was about me and the work I still need to do around communication, boundaries, and self-worth.
Later, I took a walk to the front of the property to get more information about shipping my drum. While there were no guarantees, I contacted the concierge at my Mumbai hotel for help. It felt like a step in the right direction, and I snapped some beautiful photos of the locals exploring the eco-village. On the way i took the opportunity to snap some pictures of the local people spending their Sunday at Govardhan. A creative way to get some exercise and some content for the blog.
As challenging as this experience has been, it’s also been deeply rewarding. With only a few days left, I’m starting to feel the sadness of leaving behind the friends, lessons, and beauty of this place.
Small Triumphs and Big Progress
Last night, I came up with a cover of Dancing in the Dark on the harmonium, mixing it with a mantra mash-up. It was another creative outlet for me, and I’m proud of how it turned out.
Before bed, I talked with Nikoletta, an amazing soul from California. She’s older, well-traveled, and full of life. We laughed, shared stories, and connected deeply. Afterward, I grabbed some fruit and retreated to my room. I’ll admit I overate the fruit, and it brought up some old feelings — but I reminded myself that it’s been 117 days symptom-free from bulimia.
This is a huge milestone. The longest I’d gone before was 80 days, so this progress feels monumental. I’m honoring how far I’ve come, even in the face of challenges.
Looking Ahead: Bali Dreams
After some late-night research, I dove into planning my Bali trip, which is happening in less than a week! I’m thrilled to celebrate my 35th birthday in a place I’ve dreamed of for so long.
I’ve been exploring vegan spots near my villa in Ubud and researching drivers to help me navigate the area. Staying outside the city center feels like the right choice to avoid the tourist crowds. I’m ready for this next chapter of my journey, and I know it’s going to be perfect.
Themes and Lessons
This weekend has reminded me of the delicate balance between connection and self-preservation. It’s about learning to set boundaries without shutting people out, to open my heart without losing myself. It’s about recognizing the patterns that no longer serve me and finding the courage to rewrite them.
In this process, my mantra has been “Radhe Radhe Govinda.” It reminds me to surrender to Krishna, trusting that His divine plan will guide me. Just as the gopis surrendered to His love, I strive to let go of control and allow the flow of life to carry me. In Krishna’s presence, there is grace, even in moments of uncertainty.
Mantra for the Week:
“Radhe Radhe Govinda” — May I surrender to Krishna’s divine love and trust in His plan.
With love and gratitude (& growth),
Eve AKA Kali Grayce
Comments