January 14 2025
Full Moon Reflections: Reclaiming My Voice
Today has been a low day. It doesn’t feel like people want to engage with me, and harmonium class didn’t help matters much. I’m not clicking with the new group, and I feel really unseen. At lunch, I didn’t feel like there was anyone I could really talk to, so I took my food back to my room to eat alone. This sadness feels all too familiar, but I’m trying to trust that if Kali didn’t want me to be here alone, reflecting, she wouldn’t have made it so I felt this way.
In the midst of this heaviness, I went down to get more tofu because it felt like my body was craving protein. Something about the simple act of going to get what I needed felt grounding, even if it was small. I’m saving the tofu for dinner later and hoping it stays good.
On my way back, something unexpected happened. I ran into a woman from our training whom I hadn’t spoken to yet. There’s a bit of a language barrier between us, but she shared that her sister’s name is Eve. Then, she told me something that completely shifted my day: she said she loved my voice—more than the teacher’s—and that she could tell I put so much care and depth into my playing. Her words turned something inside me, lifting the weight of feeling unseen.
This wasn’t the first compliment I’ve gotten on my voice recently. In the past few days, others have also mentioned how much they love my voice, and it’s made me wonder: is there still a chance for me to be a singer after all?
As a child, I loved to sing. I even found a journal entry from when I was nine, where I wrote
that I wanted to be a singer when I grew up. Singing was what I loved most—until the world told me I wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough to pursue it.
I auditioned and made it into an a cappella group in middle school, even landing solos. But when I didn’t make it into the high school group, I gave up singing altogether. This seemed to be a pattern in my life—whenever I wasn’t “the best,” I gave up entirely.
Years of smoking cigarettes, bingeing, and purging followed. My voice was suppressed, both physically and emotionally. There was no more singing, no more dream—just me, trapped in the hell I had created.
But eight years ago, I started playing the harmonium. That simple, sacred instrument has been a tool for reclaiming my voice—not just my singing voice, but my right to be heard, seen, and respected. Singing with the harmonium has been a form of healing, a way of rediscovering the dream I buried so long ago.
Today, the full moon reminds me of illumination and release. It’s shedding light on the wounds I’ve carried around my voice, my worth, and the dreams I gave up too soon. And it’s urging me to let go of the self-doubt that’s held me back for so long.
Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe there’s still a chance for me to embrace the voice I thought I had lost.
If you’re reading this, I want to ask you: what dreams have you let go of? And what would it look like to reclaim them?
Tonight, under the full moon, I’m setting an intention to honor my voice, my dreams, and the little girl who just wanted to sing.
The Day’s Journey: Finding Connection in Unexpected Places
Harmonium class in the afternoon brought up mixed emotions. I still feel a strange energy from some of the new women in the group, but I’m learning to let that go. Not everyone is going to be “my people,” and that’s okay. I can’t focus on fitting in when the work I’m doing is so personal and deep.
That said, I did notice a shift in Lala. She seemed more attentive and willing to engage, which felt comforting. I’m not saying it’s her energy that’s changed—it could very well be my perception of the situation—but that doesn’t make it any less real to me.
A Tarot Reading at the Goshala
After the session, I headed to the goshala, where Anjaneya did a tarot reading for me. Let me tell you, she’s connected to Spirit in a powerful way. The first card she pulled was the Merkaba wild card, and it immediately brought me back to my hypnotherapy sessions with Herb (a bit of a character, but undeniably tuned in). He used to talk about the merkaba all the time.
For those unfamiliar, the merkaba is a sacred geometric shape—a light body vehicle that’s said to carry your consciousness to higher realms. It represents connection, ascension, and balance. On my journey, it feels like a reminder to align my mind, body, and spirit so I can step fully into my purpose.
The reading also included the Hermit and the Fool cards. I had a feeling the Fool would appear—it’s the first card of the tarot deck and symbolizes the beginning of the hero’s journey. It represents stepping into the unknown with trust, curiosity, and faith.
This ties into Joseph Campbell’s concept of the hero’s journey—a universal pattern of growth and transformation. The Fool is the archetype of someone starting out, taking risks, and leaving behind the familiar for something greater. The synchronicity of the Fool showing up is uncanny—Matt got a Fool tattoo right when we started hanging out, and I even gave him a sticker of it.
Adding to the mystical vibe, there was a stray dog present during the reading. She looked just like the dog on the Fool card, which felt like another nod from the universe.
The gist of the reading? I’m at the beginning of a powerful inward journey. I need to fully feel whatever comes up, use my gifts (writing, poetry, music, touch) to serve others, and most importantly, speak kindly to myself. If I do, abundance will flow in, alleviating the anxiety and burdens I carry about my living situation.
What Comes Next: A New Chapter of Home
This reading made me realize that I haven’t thought much about what I’ll do when I get back to the States. Living with my parents in Florida wasn’t working, and I’ve cut most of my ties there.
Maybe it’s time to start fresh. New York is a possibility—my parents are looking for a place there with my niece’s upcoming birth in mind. But their space will be small, so it’s not a permanent answer for me.
I’ve thought about Colorado or maybe St. Petersburg on Florida’s west coast. Someone even mentioned Alachua, but honestly, I don’t think I want to stay in Florida at all. I think it’s time to embrace the energy of the Fool and take a leap of faith. A new chapter of home is calling, and I trust that the right path will reveal itself when the time comes.
Ecstatic Dance and Divine Healing
Later, I attended kirtan, followed by ecstatic dance. There’s something about singing, jumping, and dancing in the name of Krishna that feels like it’s patching up the God-shaped hole inside of me. It’s healing my soul, even if it’s not the best for my knee and arthritis. But if it’s in service to the divine, isn’t it worth it?
Full Moon Walk and Reflections
After dinner (leftover tofu and veggies), I took a peaceful walk around the lake in the moonlight. The full moon lit up the water, and I slipped into a meditative state, letting the day’s events settle in my mind.
A New Day, A New Beginning
I slept in this morning, and I needed it. Today is a new day, and with the full moon’s energy still lingering, I’m stepping forward with love, gratitude, and faith in the journey ahead.
With love and gratitude,
Eve aka Kali Grayce
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